Day 42 - October 18th

Day 42 - October 18th
Went out with Camilla and other Latin crew
Good night of dancing and drinking
Kissed Camilla a couple of times
I'm not doing that shit again.
I didn't even feel good in the morning
Sorry Rachel

        I'd met Camila at The Workers one night, she was Venezuelan and always very excited about something. She kept talking about getting a “bed base” in this giggly accent, I barely understood what she was talking about, but I let her pull me by the hand out of the pub and onto a tram We rode it down Smith Street for a while until we were near her house. She took us to some pallets on the street, and told me to help her carry them back to her room.
        When we went out later that week she was a little less excited. We kissed a few times in between me refusing to do karaoke. When we got back to her room we were still kissing, and into her bed, still kissing, I was on top of her, still kissing... and then she locked up all of a sudden. She told me to stop, I rolled off her, and she went to sleep.

       I thought about that night for weeks, maybe months afterwards. It really fucked me up. What did I do? Where did I go wrong? I remember talking to Sean about it one morning and unloading about how shitty the rejection had made me feel. It made me feel like she didn't like me, like I was a shitty, boring person. Sean told me that was crazy, and that I should be thinking of it in the opposite terms, that I would probably never know why she had to stop, but whatever her reason was was probably very valid, and that it's a credit to just how cool she thought I was that she'd let it get that far. I appreciated the logic, and tried to agree with it, but I could help still feeling like garbage.
        I wanted to ask her, and I probably did, but she either wouldn't, or couldn't tell me. In hindsight, it's not impossible that she didn't even know why herself. In all probability she just realised she'd lost the feeling, and decided it was time to stop. I was young, my ego was tied up in these kind of things.
        Rach and I had agreed that we were allowed to see other people while she was away. I mean, I'd agreed to it at least, because I didn't want a repeat of what had happened with Mélanie, where I made a commitment that I couldn't keep when faced with choices in the moment. I knew Rach didn't want me to, but I wasn't so sure of myself, so I just did what felt natural. I remember wishing I could talk to her about how sad and confused I was over this thing that had happened with Camilla, but obviously I couldn't tell her, so I held onto it.

        In the morning Camila didn't put socks on. Instead she dusted her feet with talcum powder before slipping them into her brown brogues. She told me her house back in Venezuela had a tennis court, so I trusted that she knew what she was doing with the no socks thing as well – she seemed to be of reputable breeding. We shared a muted breakfast somewhere, and she never replied to my texts.

Click here to read the next part - Day 43 - October 23